Jy Met Die Toffee Gesig

 The Zim elections were a big fraud, they weren’t free and fair, and the inaugurated government is a farce. This is the conclusion the African Union came to. Now frankly everyone else came to this same conclusion much earlier and without as much fanfare, but we must respect the process. It took dead white men hundreds of years, many wars, and much trial-and-error to put that tedious process into place, and questioning it must therefor be blasphemy.

I don’t know if you switched on to the news coverage of the event, but if you did you’ll have spotted our president’s politely vacant face behind a desk behind a microphone. To his credit Thabo Mbeki has perfected indignant no-face diplomacy fantastically, so kudos to him for that. I may come across as a Thabo-hater, but I wasn’t always so bitter. There was a time, back in the yonder days of 2006, that I thought he was a pretty smart guy, really. And he is a smart guy, smart and very good at looking busy but doing nothing. So my hero, actually. I just wish South Africa’s reputation wasn’t in the crossfire.

But anyway: back to the process. So the AU agrees, unanimously, that the elections were not free or fair. But they won’t condemn Bob. Repeat after me: Robert, jy is ‘n piesang. Robert, jy is nie genooi na die event toe nie. Robert, waar de fok krap jy die vliegtuig uit? Et cetera et cetera.

Let’s face it, skuzzies, Bob is the epitome of failure after independence, and he is the epitome of the African dictator – arrogant, violent, corrupted to the core, and eager to blame whoever he can for his indiscretions. Often this is the West. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy blaming them too, but really: there is a limit, a sort of invisible line between reasonable and idiotic.

Jacob didn’t have such a great weekend either. The Mauritius High Court z-snapped his attempts to stop incriminating documents from leaving Mauritius’ shores, documents pertaining to Jacob and Thint and poor Schabir Shaik. Frankly I wouldn’t trust Jacob any more in Mauritius than I trust him here. There are no boundaries on sin, darlings, but cope we must.

Tags: African dictator, African Union, AU, Jacob Zuma, Mauritius High Court, Robert Mugabe, Schabir Shaik, South Africa, Thabo Mbeki, Thabo Mbeki AU, Zimbabwe elections